Excerpt from my semi-private journal as cut by Ms. Noemi S.
“… but then I realized that there was nowhere I wanted to be, specifically. I feel, have felt, only a powerful need to be not where I am. Suicide is not something I have considered, outside theoretical musings in which, invariably, I discounted the thought almost immediately. I wonder if this is because I still cling halfheartedly to the virtue of potential I once embraced, or if it is merely a hope that something will come along to break the monotony, or lack thereof, which constitutes a monotony of its own when time is the only thing that changes patterns. In net: some things get better while other things get worse, but there is no progress because there is no drive. I think there was drive once. That was before I realized that what is picked up on as genius is generally the superficial, what is not of any import.
“Self preservation is indirectly necessary, if it is evil. There are a few that may care about my personal outcome, for example. … [They do not] recollect that it is animal responsibility to give up on the hopeless ones. Now that we use our spirit to refine the animal, we ought to maintain our consistency. That is the way of things and I am powerless to change it… being not that it cannot be changed and not that I cannot evoke change, only in this particular matter I have no sway…
“There are days when I walk into the ground. Perhaps I think of tripping and bring that forth, or cannot bear to go forward without making progress. I think I could go up, but then, how to go up without stepping on others? I make an educated approximation when I say it cannot be done. … [I] cannot account for the ambitions of those around me. …When I walk into the ground I will walk quietly.
“…a dream … [in which] people were not perpetually skirting the act of living. …I feel that if I could somehow come into contact with the force that is behind what was, perhaps I could resolve my dilemma."
