tri-SARAH-tops

my mom used to have a really good friend when i was little. her name was Holly. they'd known eachother since high school. i'm not sure how many of you have seen the movie Riding in Cars with Boys with Drew Barrymore, but they were like the character Drew plays and her best friend in that movie. my mom had me at almost the same exact time that Holly had her son Jeremiah. my mom was even married to Holly's brother at one point.
me and Jer would spend a lot of time together since we were about the same age. i remember wrestling with him in my basement. he was like my big brother.
eventually time got the best of our relationship, and my mom and Holly's. we all drifted apart. we used to go to the outer banks with eachother almost every year, and that had stopped. i had hung out with Jer maybe once in the past 5 years. he had gone through a lot of trouble with drugs and school, and had to go to rehab at one point. but he got better. he got much better.
two years ago in april, Holly found Jeremiah lifeless in his bed. he was very sick, and had taken a lot of medication after waking up in the middle of the night. they said that he probably died in his sleep. Jeremiah was Holly's baby, her pride, her Great Bear. he was her everything.
Jeremiah's funeral was the first funeral that i'd been to with a viewing. i can't express how awful it was. all of his friends crowded around the casket, practically bawling. even though me and him hadn't been talking as much as we used to, i can't express the pain that i felt for him, and for his family.



Jeremiah Randolph Martin, rest in peace. we love you, and always will.

i just got back from dinner with Thai about an hour ago. we went to the Charthouse, which is a really expensive restaurant in Old Town Alexandria. don't ask me why we went there, because i wouldn't be able to tell you. i told him that we should go there as a joke, but i guess he took it seriously. the food was amazing, but now i'm feeling kind of sick, which is no good.
in case you didn't get this already, i'm back home with my family. me and Katie came home Friday afternoon, and got here around 3:30. it's been pretty much an awful experience since i walked into my house. my mom and i have not stopped fighting since i've seen her, and even before i saw her she called me to yell at me. she took my car keys away, too. basically there's no point in me even being home, except to get free food and spend quality time with the one thing who actually wants me to be here -- my cat.
we went to Glory Day's the night that i came home, and that was a big blow out. i got into a yelling argument with my stepdad on the way home from dinner, and ended up not talking to either of them until the next morning. me and my mom went to lowes today to get supplies for my studio art classes, and we got into another huge fight about the car. i guess i kind of think that i'll be able to talk her out of it somehow, but i know that's not going to happen.
needless to say i haven't been able to go and see Wesley's family at all since i've been home. that's kind of a bummer. i was supposed to go to church with his little sister tomorrow morning, but i don't think i'm going to do that. without a car, it seems just pointless. i'm 18 years old and i have to have my boyfriends 16 year old sister come and pick me up. i'm a fucking college student for christ's sake. i should be allowed to drive the car that i've been driving for the past year and a half for the weekend that i come home.
i'm thinking that i shouldn't have even come home in the first place. i feel like after this weekend, me and my mom won't be talking as much as we were the past two weeks. i think that's really sad. i want more than anything to have a productive relationship with her, but i don't understand half of the things that she does. i find myself having to bite my tongue so many times to not flip out on her. it's completely a miscommunication problem. she doesn't understand what i'm trying to say, and i clearly don't understand what she's trying to say. but i try. i really do and i know she doesn't really see that, but i swear i'm trying. because deep down inside i know we should have a better relationship. i know that i shouldn't have a better relationship with my boyfriends mother, than my own mother. my mom claims that the reason why Wesley's mom is able to be so sweet and nice to me is because she doesn't have to deal with the responsibility of me. meaning that my mom has to deal with all the money i spend, all the times i crash my car, all the times i fuck up. Wesley's mom deals with none of that. and i guess my mom is right.
but there comes a time when i should stop being her "little girl" and start being the grown person that she raised. i know she may not be completely happy with the way that i turned out, but she could try to accept it for the sake of our relationship. because it's slowly deteriorating. and it sucks.

ok so, today is the day before i go back to nova.
i went to church this morning with Wesley's sister and his brother. Baptist church is 20 times better than catholic church. Wes' brother was right, catholic church almost seems like mindless worship. i don't mean to offend any of you who are catholic, because i do respect your beliefs, but catholic mass is extremely stressful.
anyways, the service was at 11. and we got there at.. 11. go figure. Wesley's stepdad is pretty important in the church, which i didn't know, and he gave a few speeches throughout the service. everyone came up to me and seemed to know who i was. Carolyn was introducing me as Sarah and a few people went "OHHHHH", which was slightly awkward. but in a way it's cute, i'm glad they know who i am.
i spent most of my day at Wesley's house, talking with Carolyn and watching the US Open. i don't understand a lick of tennis, so we weren't really paying attention. i can't tell you how much i enjoy talking with Carolyn. i've said this so many times, but i see so much of myself in her. she and her exboyfriend broke up about 6 months ago, and she's still completely in love with him. two years ago, that was me. i really tried to seek strength in God during that time, and believe it or not, it really helped. i hate to be a preacher, but it's true. Carolyn's an extremely strong person, and she has an extremely strong family. my only wish is that she's able to get over this boy, and i know she can, but it's so hard for her. it hurts me to see her hurting.
it's always nice to be over at their house, because we're able to both talk about Wesley and memories that we have with him from before he left. she told me a story about how earlier in the year Wesley had dared Carolyn to eat part of a dog bone. she said that they both took a bite of it. Carolyn spit it out because, well, it's dog food. but she said Wesley chewed it and swallowed it. and then proceeded to take another bite. what the hell, i know. i swear he's not that weird. but it's good to hear stories like that. Wesley's an amazing person, i can't believe how lucky i am. and it sucks that he had to leave, especially when our relationship was just starting.
i have mixed feelings though about the future. i tend to get caught up in relationships, and fall way too hard too fast. me and Wesley's relationship is completely different though. i'm not gonna lie, towards the end of my senior year i literally tried to sleep with everyone. everyone at school pretty much knew who i was, and would send me text messages basically asking me for.. favors, if you catch my drift. i've changed since then, i realized how awful it was, and what it was doing to my confidence. being with Wesley is completely different then being with any other person that i've been with. i really feel like this could work out for a long time, but thinking about this upcoming year really worries me. technically he's not going to be home .. ever. after he gets out of basic in georgia, he goes straight to AIT at Bragg in North Carolina. while he's at Bragg he's convinced that he'll be able to leave every weekend, and take the train up to Richmond to stay with me. i'm sorry, but i really really really doubt that. after he's at Bragg for a few months, he'll go back to Benning for airborne training for a few months. then he'll be back at Bragg for 6 months up to a year for his language training. and after that it could be Iraq. and that's the part that i really don't want to think about. i feel like looking this much into the future is slightly insane of me. why would i think that we'd even be together this long? i want to be. boy, do i want to be. but honestly. in reality, can this really work? Wesley's mom tries to convince me that her best friend Lara has been with her husband for 17+ years, and they went through training together. and they're still together. she added the part "with two kids!".. awkward.
i'm going to take these next few years day by day. eventually once Wesley is able to have any sort of communication with me besides letters, this will be about 100 times easier. i'm trying as hard as i can not to think about him going to Iraq or Afghanistan, but unfortunately that's a reality that i'm probably going to have to deal with. i used to say that i wasn't going to vote, but i sure as hell am now -- for someone who wants to pull the troops out as fast as possible. it's hard to grasp the fact that it's still a month and a half before i'll get to see him again. and i'm thinking about him constantly. it's awful, i've never missed someone this much.



fourty-six more days.

well, i'm back in Richmond. and it's weird. it's so quiet.. i'm not sure why. weirdly enough, i kind of miss being at home. it was a lot more carefree back in Nova, now i have to worry about school and getting all my school work done. i don't really want to write about that because it's going to stress me out.
i got a letter from Wesley today. it was very weird. i don't know why i thought it was weird.. it just seemed very rushed. i read the letter twice, trying to understand why i thought it was so weird. but i couldn't figure it out, so i tried to stop thinking about.
but then i was sitting in my bed, watching tv, and i get a phone call from a "706" number. low and behold, it was Wesley. ironic, huh? it always feels so good to be able to talk to him. sometimes i forget what it's like to talk to him, and it's amazing to hear his voice. he sounds so happy, which makes me glad, because i know that this is what he wants to do. he said he got a bunch of letters in the past day, including the one that i had sent him with pictures in them. he said that even when he's upset and pissed off, just reading the letters makes him feel awesome.
being so far apart for so long is a huge test. for both of us i'm sure. i'm not sure what else to say -- i feel like i've said it all a thousand times. i'm worried, scared, but at the same time, completely head-over-heels in love with this boy. it's weird because i can feel me falling more and more, even though he's not even here. i'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. all i know is that i really hope that everything works out, i'm so nervous about what's going to happen in these upcoming months.
but you know what they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder. hopefully this works in my situation, too.

Ever since I was little, I’ve always looked up to my Grandparents. When my mom would be at work, before I was old enough to go to school, I’d spend hours at their house. My grandfather was my best friend; we’d do everything together. I don’t hesitate to say that he and my grandmother were the main reason as to why I chose to go to VCU, and why I wanted to go into the arts.
My grandfather joined the army when he was a teenager and wanted to become a dentist. He went to dentistry school and everything, but then realized that it wasn’t truly what he wanted to do. He became the art director for Hecht Company after he decided that his true calling was his art. Ever since I was little, I can remember all the handmade holiday cards that my grandparents would make for family and family friends. Both of my grandparents worked for Hecht Company, and that’s how they met. Both of them were extremely talented in what they did; my grandmother went on to have exhibits at the Corcoran in DC, as well as the Torpedo Factory in Old Town, Alexandria.
Since I spent so much of my early years with my grandfather, I have so many memories of spending time with him. I remember playing with all of his art tools in the sunroom, and watching Nick Jr. all day in the T.V room. I will always see my grandfather as that man; the man who would be goofy with me, and let me mess up all his paintbrushes. But eventually things started to fall apart. My grandmother died a few decades before my grandfather passed, and he didn’t quite know what to do with himself. She was the love of his life, and when she was gone, it was awful. My grandfather was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. In the beginning it really wasn’t that big of a deal. He would forget some things, and have a hard time walking occasionally, but nothing big. Then one night when I was in about 6th grade, my mom came into my room and woke me up, telling me that we had to go to the hospital because there was something wrong with Gaga. The only thing that I can remember about that night is walking into the hospital with my mom by my side, and seeing my uncle holding my grandfather up. My grandfather’s head was covered in blood. He looked at me and said “I’m fine, Sarah. Really I’ll be fine.” But after that day, everything went downhill.
We admitted him into a nursing home, because clearly he wasn’t able to live on his own anymore. Him being in the nursing home is a big blur for me. I only remember the little things. One of the main things that I do remember is a time when my mom and I came to visit him. We sat down to talk to him while he was eating and he told us a story about how one of the men who worked at the nursing home was being very nice to him, and took him out to dinner the other night. He went on about it for a while. My mom had a complete mental breakdown. Of course this man didn’t really take my grandfather out to eat, it wasn’t possible. This happened closer towards the day that he died.
I look up to my grandfather in so many ways. He followed his heart, and made a career out of what he loved to do. He gives me so much hope in my life. There are times when I’m not sure that art is what I want to do, and that I can’t do it, but thinking about how my grandfather went through so many things and still made it makes me feel like I know I can do this. But besides the fact that he went through his life solely as an artist, he loved my grandmother until the end of his life. And that’s one of the most admirable things that anyone can do.

THE END OF THE USA: BY JENNY HOLZER

ALL YOU RICH FUCKERS SEE THE BEGINNING OF THE END AND TAKE WHAT YOU CAN WHILE YOU CAN. YOU IMAGINE THAT YOU WILL GET AWAY, BUT YOU'VE SHIT IN YOUR OWN BED AND YOU'RE THE ONE TO SLEEP IN IT. WHY SHOULD EVERYONE ELSE STAY BEHIND AND SMELL YOUR STINKING COWARDICE? HERE'S A MESSAGE TO YOU-- SPACE TRAVEL IS UNCERTAIN AND ANY REFUGE OF YOURS CAN BE BLOWN OFF THE MAP. THERE'S NO OTHER PLACE FOR YOU TO GO. KNOW THAT YOUR FUTURE IS WITH US SO DON'T GIVE US MORE REASONS TO HATE YOU. WHEN YOU START TO LIKE PAIN THINGS GET INTERESTING. PAIN IS THE COMMON RESULT OF A SUBORDINATE POSITION. TRADITIONALLY, SUFFERING IS UNCOMFORTABLE AND UNDESIRABLE. PERHAPS IT IS MORE INTELLIGENT TO CULTIVATE PAIN AS A MEANS OF LIBERATION? IS IT POSSIBLE THAT ENJOYMENT OF PAIN CAN BE SUBVERSIVE? WHEN ONE DOES NOT FEAR PAIN, ONE CANNOT BE MANIPULATED. WHEN AROUSED BY SUFFERING, ONE CAN CONTROL ANY RELATIONSHIP. WHEN AGONY SEASES TO BE A BARRIER, DEATH IS NOT FORBIDDING. THE IMPLICATIONS ARE MARVELOUS. PAIN IS NOT OPPRESSIVE, BUT STRENGTHENING AND MOST SUBLIME. IT IS NECESSARY ONLY TO DENY THE PLEASURE-PAIN DICHOTOMY. THE MOST EXQUISITE PLEASURE IS DOMINATION. NOTHING CAN COMPARE WITH THE FEELING. THE MENTAL SENSATIONS ARE EVEN BETTER THAN THE PHYSICAL ONES. KNOWING YOU HAVE POWER HAS TO BE THE BIGGEST HIGH, THE GREATEST COMFORT. IT IS COMPLETE SECURITY, PROTECTION FROM HURT.WHEN YOU DOMINATE SOMEBODY YOU'RE DOING HIM A FAVOR. HE PRAYS SOMEONE WILL CONTROL HIM. YOU'RE HELPING HIM WHILE HELPING YOURSELF. EVEN WHEN YOU GET MEAN HE LIKES IT. SOMETIMES HE'S ANGRY AND FIGHTS BACK BUT YOU CAN HANDLE IT. HE ALWAYS REMEMBERS WHAT HE NEEDS. YOU ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT. YOU GET AMAZING SENSATIONS FROM GUNS. YOU GET RESULTS FROM GUNS. MAN IS AN AGGRESSIVE ANIMAL; YOU HAVE TO HAVE A GOOD OFFENSE AND A GOOD DEFENSE. TOO MANY CITIZENS THINK THEY ARE HELPLESS. THEY LEAVE EVERYTHING TO THE AUTHORITIES AND THIS CAUSES CORRUPTION. RESPONSIBILITY SHOULD GO BACK WHERE IT BELONGS. IT IS YOUR LIFE SO TAKE CONTROL AND FEEL VITAL. THERE MAY BE SOME ACCIDENTS ALONG THE PATH TO SELF-EXPRESSION AND SELF- DETERMINATION. SOME HARMLESS PEOPLE WILL BE HURT. HOWEVER, G-U-N SPELLS PRIDE TO THE STRONG, SAFETY TO THE WEAK AND HOPE TO THE HOPELESS. GUNS MAKE WRONG RIGHT FAST. WHAT SCARES PEASANTS IS THINKING THEIR BODIES WILL BE THROWN OUT IN PUBLIC AND LEFT TO ROT. THEY FEEL SHAME- AS IF IT MATTERS WHAT POSITION THEIR LEGS ARE IN WHEN THEY'RE DEAD. LUCKY THEY'RE SUPERSTITIOUS BECAUSE THEY'RE EASIER TO MANAGE.. MAKE AN EXAMPLE OF TWO OR THREE REBELS, DROP THEIR BODIES BY THE ROAD, GET THEM FLAT AND DRY SO BONES SHOW AND THE GRASS WEARS THE CLOTHES. SHOOT THE FINGERS OFF ANYONE WHO COMES TO COLLECT THE REMAINS. THOSE BODIES STAY AS A SIGN OF ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY. IF PEASANTS THINK THAT THEIR SOULS CAN'T REST, SO MUCH THE BETTER. YOU GET SO YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE THE HALF-DEAD VAGRANTS ON THE STREET. THEY'RE ONLY DIRTY GHOSTS. THE ONES WHO SEND SHIVERS DOWN YOUR SPINE ARE THE UNEMPLOYED WHO AREN'T WEAK YET. THEY STILL CAN FIGHT AND RUN WHEN THEY WANT TO. THEY STILL THINK, AND YET THEY KNOW THEY HATE YOU. YOU WON'T BE A PRETTY SIGHT IF THEY GO FOR YOU. WHEN YOU'RE OUT WALKING YOU LOOK AT THE MEN FOR SIGNS OF LINGERING HEALTH AND OBVIOUS HATRED. YOU EVEN WATCH THE FALLEN ONES WHO MIGHT MAKE A LAST MOVE, WHO MIGHT CLAW YOUR ANKLE AND TAKE YOU DOWN.

that was what we looked at today in Surface Research. we went to the library and looked at a special collection that the teacher had put together. everything in there was pretty awesome. especially the peices by Jenny Holzer. don't get me wrong, i don't agree with anything that she's ranting about. however, i think it's really interesting to read rants like that. and i would definately recomment and of Jenny Holzers work. it's all really conceptual and weird, but interesting nonetheless.

alright so anyways. not a lot has been going on lately. i started an art project today two hours before it was due, and the professor actually really liked it. in the process of making it i almost burned down the dorm though, which was pretty bad, but still. i wasn't really too happy with the outcome, because i know that if i wouldn't have procrastinated like i did i would have done so much better. but if she liked what i threw together in 2 hours before class, then she'll have to like what i spend a shitload of time on, right?
katie and i are both kind of sick with some sort of common cold thing. she's been coughing a lot, and it's pretty annoying because it sounds like she's about to puke or like throw up her lung or something. it's just a bunch of phlegm.. i think that's how you spell that.
i know you all are just DYING to hear about Wesley. but there's really nothing to tell. i haven't talked to him or gotten a letter in the past few days, which is a bummer, but i guess i'm used to it by now. his little sister Carolyn started school on tuesday, which was yesterday, and she's really unhappy with it. i'm not sure why, but i have a good guess that it's probably something to do with her exboyfriend or fake friends. you know, the same old "junior in high school" story. i know me and katie both went through the "fake friends" deal sophomore and junior year. and it sucks. you think you know someone, and then you find out that apparently they were nothing like you thought they were. and it blows, but you get over it eventually. luckily i've never had to deal with the awkward exboyfriend thing in highschool, because most all of the guys that i've dated have gone to different schools. i dated one guy who went to my school, but we started dating after graduation, so there was no awkward passing in the hallways or anything like that. i did have to go through the awkward "hey i used to date you but now i'm dating your good friend" thing, and the "hey i broke up with you not because i didn't want a relationship but because you're fucking insane" thing. both of those kind of suck. luckily when i started dating my ex's good friend (who is actually Wesley) it wasn't awkward. mainly because my ex really didn't hang out with them that much, because he likes to sit at home and drink with his family. weird? i don't know. he broke up with me, so i don't think he was really that upset. as far as the whole "hey i broke up with you not because i didn't want a relationship but because you're fucking insane" thing goes, that was really hard. me and that exboyfriend were really good friends.. and friends with benefits before we dated. now our relationship is completely ruined. i'm not even sure why i dated him in the first place. there was one time where i went to the pool with a girl that i'm friends with and one of my best friends, Kurt, and my exboyfriend (boyfriend at the time) got so upset at me that he was practically crying. that night i went to a party at Kurt's house, and my ex lives right down the street from him. i went over there to try to fix things, because we really shouldn't have been fighting about something so petty. he threw a rubix cube at me. who does that? honestly. and it just went downhill from there. i've had some pretty crappy relationships.

on another note, it smells like something died in our room, and i'm really not sure what it is. i'm going to have to take out the febreeze.

i love thursday's because it pretty much means that my week is over. friday's i have one class, this class, and it's over at 11, which is amazing. i realized just now that i have to finish writing that paper for class tomorrow. so i'll try to make this brief.
today was spent doing pretty much nothing. katie's boyfriend came into town, and he's here in the room with us. he keeps making fun of me for what i write my blogs about, so i'm going to try to make it about something else. thank you, stefan.
i had my space research class today, and i worked on my wire body extension project. i got really stressed out about it at one point, and had to go outside to just chill. i started thinking that i'm not cut out for the art department, and that i'm not sure if i can go through with it. i called my mom to try to talk to her about it, and i told her how stressed i was about school and Wesley and everything going on. she said that i'm going to have to make a choice. my advisor practically told me the same thing. i don't like thinking that i have to get my priorities in order, because it's not like i'm choosing Wesley over school.. or school over Wesley for that matter. it's a hard thing. i'm not sure.
i went onto the vcuarts website today to look at the different majors that i was thinking about applying to. i looked at the craft + material studies page, and it looks totally interesting. i was kind of disappointed when i got my project class in craft + material studies, but now i'm really excited for it. so that's gooooood.
tomorrow after class i think that we're going to Belle Isle. i'm really really looking forward to that. but now i have to finish writing that paper. hooray for waiting until the last minute!

so today me, katie, and her boyfriend went to 42nd Street Island on the James River. it was pretty fun. it took us a long time to actually find where it was, because mapquest sucks, but once we found it it was really pretty. i'm not sure how many of you have been to the Shenandoah River, but that's almost exactly what it looks like.
there's really not too much going on lately. this weekend will be pretty normal, there's not too much going on. i'm going to really try to work on my homework because i've got a lot of projects to do. i've got a wire extension project that i have to finish by tuesday. then i have another project for my Surface Research class that's due on Monday. i went to plaza today and i'm not sure how much money i spent, but i think it was a lot. i don't have to pay for it though so it's awesome.

i think that me, katie, and stefan are going to go out tonight and try to find something to do. but i'll leave you with this picture of Wesley because it's hilarious.

quite the american, huh? =]

i'm sitting on my bed in my dorm room with Sean and Katie and Andrew. Andrew's our friend from nova, he goes to Radford now but he comes down here a lot. he's preeeeetty cool. i like him a lot.
me and Katie went to five guys earlier and it was amazing. i'm not sure how they make the burgers so good. i actually really don't want to talk about that because now i feel really sick annnnd yeah.
so we're watching Dane Cook: Vicious Circle, and it's hilarious. Dane Cook is a very funny little man. i like him a lot, too.
i really don't know what else to talk about considering that today was pretty laid. back. i worked on some of my art stuff for part of the day. i unpeeled 3 oranges for this project i'm doing for surface research and now our room stinks like oranges, and popcorn, and dirty fishbowl water. believe me it's quite the smell.
i have absolutely nothing to write about. nothing happened today. cool.

alright, so i'll start this out with a pretty stupid and hilarious story.
i'm watching cops on court tv. i know everyone knows what that is. i was barely watching it, but i looked up a few times just to see what was going on. one of the cops was smashing out all of the windows on this house that was on fire. he ran into the house and attempted to get the woman out, while yelling "ma'am your house is on fire! it's on fire in the attic! you need to get out as fast as possible!" i stopped watching for a little while after this. i looked up again when a group of the cops was standing around eachother laughing. apparently, this cop had smashed in the door and 7 small windows in this house when it wasn't actually on fire. the house next door was actually the house on fire. and these cops were standing around laughing about it. i'm not sure how retarded these people were, but by the looks of it, they shouldn't be protecting the people in that city.
there've been a few stories on cops that have really got me. i remember watching it once when i was younger where a sting was set up. they set a bike outside of a convenience store, unlocked, and waited for someone to steal it. when the man came up and stole the bike, they arrested him. in my mind, this seems really wrong. maybe the man wouldn't have stolen a bike, but he figured why not since it wasn't locked up. i mean, it's not like this man was going around town looking for a bike to steal. it just seems wrong that these officers set him up like that.

anyways, today's been a pretty relaxed day. i've worked on my art projects all day. and for the past hour and a half i've been copying my art history notes into my computer. it's kind of my way of studying for the exam i have later on in the week, and just to make it more organized. i don't think that i'll be able to take my computer into class with me because i can't type half as fast as i can write. i can type fast, but when i'm listening to someone, it's harder. maybe it just seems hard to me because i'm copying these notes and i'm trying really hard to make it neat and organized. i don't know.
i got a phone call from Wesley today. so here's your daily Wesley update. unfortunately he sounded more depressed on the phone when i talked to him this time. he just got over bronchitis though, which is awful. having to work in 100 degree weather, wearing tons of layers and having bronchitis can't be good at all. he said that they went into the gas chamber yesterday. for those of you who don't know, the gas chamber is where they put the trainees into a room and pump a bunch of toxic gas into it to train them on how to be able to put their gas mask on. Wesley said it was the worst pain that he's ever felt. he said he'd rather get kicked in the nuts.
i feel like talking to him should make me feel better, and happy, but it doesn't. i feel happy for him, but i miss him so much. every day is one less day though, and even though it feels long, looking back on these past 3 months it really doesn't feel that long at all. and in 10 days it'll only be a month until i go to georgia. i'm so excited. SO excited. it's going to be like something out of some really corny chick flick movie. god, i can't wait.
speaking of god, i didn't go to church today. i've just recently gotten into the whole religion thing. usually during hard times i try to seek religion to make me feel better. i see people who are really religious, and having something bigger than yourself to look up to really helps them. sadly, i'm unable to wrap my head around believing in some of the things that they talk about. i know that the bible is pretty much all about morals, but when you can say that your fate will be determined by whether or not you sin throughout your life, that's a little too much. i guess no one really knows whether or not there's a heaven.
everyone will make fun of me for wanting to go to church. maybe it's because of my.. sinful past. my family's never been religious. my mom's always been an atheist, and my stepdad was raised christian but he's become an atheist as well. i wouldn't say that i've been raised not to believe in god, but more not to be forced to believe in anything. i respect everyone's religion, and i find it extremely fascinating to see what people believe in. i don't think that catholics are ignorant, and i don't mean this in a hateful and disrespectful way, but i feel that jesus taught acceptance, and forgiveness. for extreme conservative cathlics to feel so strongly against things like abortion, i feel is wrong. jesus didn't teach people to be hateful or to force his beliefs on anyone. everyone should have a choice.

that was a pretty sucessful blog. i really felt like i had nothing to write about since nothing's really been going on. but now i feel pretty awesome. hooray for class tomorrow morning at 10.

today is the day that i've quit smoking. i know it's been long overdue. it's become really awful though, and i can really feel the addiction now more than i ever had before. i started smoking maybe 2 years ago, but off and on. last winter, i got caught on school grounds with cigarettes, a few lighters, and a knife, and had to go to a 8 hour tobacco seminar. after that i quit for 2 months. 2 whole months tobacco free. then somehow i started up again. in the few months after i started smoking again, i had numerous health issues pop up. my severe acid reflux came back full force, i thought that i had gotten asthma. there was even a point when my legs would fall asleep without warning. now, i'm probably one of the biggest hypochondriacs that you'll ever meet in your entire life, so none of these were life threatening. but i got freaked out nonetheless. throughout the past 6 - 10 months i was probably in the doctors office at least twice a month. i had to get blood drawn 3 times in the past 4 months. once because of my legs, once because i thought that i had menengitis, and once because they thought i had a thyroid condition. of course, nothing was wrong with me. the time when they thought i had menengitis i was on vacation in North Carolina. the second day that we got there i got some awful illness. i was having cold sweats, incredibly swollen glands, couldn't eat.. it was horrible. i eventually had to go to the emergency clinic. i couldn't even sit inside the building because i was so cold. even going outside in the 95 degree weather i was still shivering. the doctor came in and asked me a bunch of questions that i was second guessing myself on. things like "have you been doing this" or "does this hurt". i hate when they do that because i always feel like i'm giving the wrong answer, and i start thinking well maybe i don't really feel that way.. and i think about it too much and get confused and it's just bad. after they drew my blood, the doctor spent 5 minutes pressing on my stomach and asking if it hurt. i wasn't really sure what kind of pain he meant, i mean yeah it hurt when he was pressing on my stomach because well, he was pressing on my stomach. then he started talking about how i might need an appendicitis and all this shit, and i started freaking out. i was with Wesley at the beach, and he had to get his appendix taken out maybe 6 months before that. he said it was probably the worst pain that he's ever felt, and that i'd know if i needed to get it taken out. clearly i wasn't in that much pain, so i doubted that i'd need an appendicitis.
i guess the moral of that whole schpeal was that i'm a huge hypochondriac and think that i'm dying of some uncurable illness every 20 minutes. and that's really not an exaggeration. when i started coughing about a week ago, i started thinking that i had aquired lung cancer because of all the smoking that i was doing. so i went on my favorite website: www.webmd.com, and looked up the symptoms of lung cancer. i don't know how many of you have been on webmd, but it's pretty fucking awesome. they have this thing where you can put in all of your symptoms and they'll tell you all the things you could possibly have. it's a hypochondriacs dream. when i put in "swollen glands", "coughing", "trouble breathing" and everything else that i had, there were a few things that came up. but the one that really jumped out at me was "Black Plague".
...
what the hell. i know. so now besides worrying about having lung cancer, i had to worry about having the fucking plague. awesome.

this computer is making me incredibly hot. and i feel like i've been writing for a long time. and i'm not really sure about what. i'm going to stop soon. but i know you all need a Wesley update. i got two letters from him today. he got this really sweet new PX Army paper. it's pretty vicious. it's got the Army seal on it and everything. fancyyyyy. anyways, he pretty much wrote about everything we talked on the phone about. he told me that one of the guys that he's gotten close to over the past weeks was on the phone with his girlfriend the other day while Wesley was talking to me. the guy asked his girlfriend if she was still going to come down for his graduation. she told him no because they needed to break up. Wesley said that he was glad to have me, and that he knew i'd never do that to him. he also said the guy was so depressed and upset, it was awful. that girl clearly has no heart whatsoever. but i told katie that today, and she's right, that probably happens all the time. i can't imagine ever doing that to Wesley, or anyone. that's just horrible. he's having a hard enough time being away from his family and his girlfriend and ugh. it's just mean.
other than that he says basic is really good. he had to go into the range (camping in the woods essentially) and do all this stupid shit like set up the Drill Sergeants tents. he got bit by tons of fire ants and got sunburned and had to sleep in a hole that he dug in the ground. depressing.
alright i've been writing for a longgggg time. it's time for me to go to sleep.

i need to finish up my space research project, but i'm really not diggin' it. when i don't like a piece that i'm working on, i tend to just not do it. i have an issue with things being absolutely perfect, and when it doesn't turn out the way that i saw it in my head, i just can't do it.
the project that we were doing for space research was something out of wire. let me tell you, i hate working with wire more than anything else in the entire world. in my senior year art class i attempted to make a human heart out of wire so that i could put plaster over it. i eventually changed the project because i couldn't work with the fucking wire anymore. the professor for my space class tried to explain it as seeing the wire as a line.. just like a line that you would draw in your sketchbook. ok, that makes sense. but still, it's incredibly hard. making a 3D line in front of you, is different than drawing a line on a piece of paper. he's still a really good teacher though.
for my other studio class i'm making a flip book. the front of the book is covered in orange peels. i just put a thick layer of mod podge over it, and i'm hoping that it'll dry clear because if it doesn't i pretty much just ruined my entire project. how awesome would that be? pretty fucking amazing.

i'm really hoping that it's not raining in 2 hours. [knock on wood] i have to walk all the way to bowe today, and walking in the rain will not be fun. i'd have to wear tennis shoes and everything.. carry an umbrella and my wire project. booo no fun.

on another note, my mom sent me stamps today. she also sent me a card, with a picture of me from when i was really little inside of it. she signed the card "love, susan" not "love, mom". i'm not sure if i should laugh at that, or think that it's sad. i feel pretty sad about it though. she may not have meant anything by it. actually, i'm pretty sure she meant nothing by it, but it's still really weird.
it's strange how me and my mom can go from having a really good conversation to yelling at eachother within 10 minutes. i'm not really sure how that happens. i'm really angry now so i'm gonna go.

there are few people in my life that i can say i genuinely dislike. one of them is my father. and one of them is my exboyfriend, Michael Brooks.
i know that this is really cliche. i'll try to make it not.
me and Mike had a huge history. for the 6 months before we started dating, we would hook up constantly. he'd drag me around, using me, all the time for 6 entire months. being a girl, and having feelings, i started to really like him. unfortunately, it was more about the sex for him.
we had a pattern to our relationship. we'd start talking, then we'd start flirting, then we'd have sex, he'd stop talking to me for about a week or two, and then we'd start talking again. this took a huge toll on me. i couldn't understand how i could like this guy so much when he'd walk all over me. we would fight constantly, about nothing. just stupid stuff that he would do. we hated eachother. but this made the physical connection we had 10 times better.
Mike started dating a freshman at our highschool around March. she was 14 years old, and he was 18. she was also one of his good friend's exgirlfriends. for some reason, this caused a huge uproar with all of our friends. especially me. now, i'm the kind of person who will be passive aggressive. i would never go up to Mike and yell at him for dating this stupid girl, when clearly i was head over heels for him. when we would talk i'd slide in snarky (google that, it's a word) comments, just to see if he'd still have a reaction about it.
while Mike and this girl were dating, Mike would call me all the time while he was high. he'd tell me how badly he wanted me, and everything. but the next day when i'd call him out about it, he'd deny the whole thing. he'd say "Sarah, i'm trying to be a good boyfriend." yeah bullshit. + that's why you called me last night, right? yeah ok.
him and this girl broke up about a month after they started dating. of course, me and Mike hooked up. he told me not to tell anyone about it because he would get in trouble with the girl. i should have just left it at that; not dealt with it anymore. but no, of course not. i couldn't let this go. i don't know why. the girl found out that we'd hooked up, and Mike had lied to her about it. they should have broken up, but he sweettalked his way out of it and she stayed with him.
but eventually they did end things. of course, i was still bitter. but Mike kept getting in contact with me. it started out the same way it always did. harmless flirty leading to smoking pot and then having sex in my car. he used to tell me how much he liked me and all this other crap that i believed.
i'm not sure what it was, but one day i finally gave in. when me and Mike first started dating, things were really hard. i liked him, but i wasn't totally in it, and he knew that. the relationship was doomed from the start. we faught all the time, and it was just awful. there were some good times, i suppose. he bought me flowers and was greatful, i guess, to have me. i know that he really liked me, but i couldn't let myself completely fall for him again. after what he did to me, i couldn't let that happen again.
i went to the beach in July. Wesley and his family was also there. Wes called me the day that we were driving down there saying that he was going to be down there, too, and that i should call him. i knew Wesley through my other exboyfriend, Andrew, and i'd always liked him. after me and Andrew broke up, i told myself that i'd stay friends with his friends, and i did. me and Wesley would talk a lot, and hang out sometimes. i'd always had a little thing for him, but i knew that it'd never happen because of my history with one of his good friends. in girl law you don't date your friends ex's. apparently that doesn't apply for guys.
me and Wesley started hanging out a lot at the beach. i'm not sure what it was, but i wasn't thinking of Mike at all. i acted towards Wesley the way that i would act towards anyone that i was trying to get with. i didn't realize that it would turn into anything more than that, but in all honesty, that's what i wanted. i didn't once think about Mike and what i was doing. i didn't even classify it as cheating. i don't know why.
i broke up with Mike over the phone after being at the beach for about 3 days. i started dating Wesley maybe a few weeks after that. when we got back to Nova that weekend, i saw Mike at a local show that i went to with Wesley. he gave me my birthday present; a brand new ipod. honestly, i was amazed. i'm not sure why he would give that to me after all the shit that i did to him.
some people think that i went out with Mike just to get back at him for all the shit that he did to me. but that wasn't what it was, at all. i did like him, very much. but the time had passed. and he blew it. and that's really not my fault. i'm sorry if that sounds harsh but it's the truth. and because of all the fighting that we did before, during, and after our relationship, we've also ruined our friendship. and that's the worst part.

on another note, i REALLY like Imogen Heap. they're amazing, and everyone needs to go listen to them.

i sent the last blog that i wrote to my ex-boyfriend over facebook in a message. he sent me one back today that said "sorry you hate my but most of your assumptions are wrong". this is the first communication we've had in maybe 3 weeks. i completely do not understand what goes through his head. i feel like i'm really trying to make an effort to restore our friendship, but he wants nothing to do with it. i'm almost to the point where i just don't want to deal with it anymore.

on another note, Stefan is here again until tomorrow. i think me and Stefan get along pretty well, probably just like Katie and Wesley get along. he's a pretty funny guy, i like him. right now we're watching It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia and it's pretty hilarious. i really like this show a lot.

i got a letter from Wesley today. it had a picture in it of him and his little sister Carolyn. he said, "my mom's friend sent me a bunch of pictures. since i'm not there to make stupid comments, i'll just leave you with this confused look from my childhood". i can't even express how much i miss him. this is probably the hardest thing that i've ever had to do. thinking about the day that i'll get to see him again is so amazing. it's going to be like something out of a completely corny chick flick. i cannot wait.

i'm not sure what we're doing tonight, i think we might go out. then again i'm pretty tired, and katie doesn't feel that good, so i think we might just go to 7-11 and call it a night. after all, we do have class tomorrow at 10:00. :D

well the power was out for most of the night last night, which is why i didn't write my blog. i know, awful. there was no tv or lights or anything. i'm not sure how i survived.

i'm talking to my friend Jason right now. he's rushing Sigma Alpha Epsilon. their ceremony is today, and tonight they have to drink an entire case of beer in an hour. i told him that i'm pretty sure that if i had to do that, i'd probably go into a coma. jason is a big boy though, so i'm pretty sure he'll be alright.

katie's not in a very good mood today, and i'm not sure why. she keeps snapping at me. it's very strange.

i don't think that anything is going on. we might go to Sonic later. Sonic is probably the best restaurant ever created by man. if you haven't gone there, you seriously need to ASAP.

i got a phone call from Wesley yesterday. he said his platoon won some relay thing and he got a 10 minute phone call. that was pretty awesome. he said they don't usually let them use the phones when they're in the middle of rifle drills because they don't want their girlfriends to break up with them on the phone and then go out into the range and shoot themselves. awesome, right. apparently one of the guys there already got broken up with by his girlfriend. he's been writing katie, which is hilarious. i can't wait to read those letters. i really miss Wesley a lot. but luckily there's only about a month left until i go down to Georgia and FINALLY see him. :D

i really have nothing else to write about. i'm sorry that this entry sucks.

bahahhaa just in time! 11:54, yes!

anyways, i just got off the phone with my ex-boyfriend. that probably wasn't the best choice that i could have made. i'm not sure why i continue to talk to him, honestly, because it only makes it harder for me. there are some ex-boyfriends that i could care less about, like Zane and Andrew, but Mike's different. maybe because we broke up recently [within the past 3 months] or maybe it's because we'd been messing around for a long long time. or maybe it's because there's so many things that he doesn't know that i did. or maybe it's because of all the loose ends there still are. i really couldn't tell you, but it's a bad idea for me to continue talking to him. we were fighting for most of last week, and i called him just to say hey and see if we were still fighting. apparently we weren't because we talked on the phone for a good hour.

the fact of the matter is that nothing is going to change the way that i feel towards Wesley. i know that it may seem like i feel otherwise, but i swear. it's been such a long time since i've had physical contact with anyone that i'm craving it like no other. and i sort of feel like physical relations with someone has nothing to do with your emotions towards someone else. but i know that's completely wrong and actually pretty fucked up. maybe i'm just trying to justify the way that i feel.

i would never do anything to intentionally hurt Wesley ever. i'm so completely head-over-heels in love with this boy. i haven't felt the way that i feel towards him in so long. and this is so different than any other relationship i've ever been in. even though we're like 300 miles apart, i fall more in love with him everyday. i know that sounds really corny, but i hope it's in a sweet way. i would do anything for him, and i really hope that everything stays the same, and gets better, throughout these next few months. i know it's going to be really hard, but i know that i can do it. i know that i can.

writing this blog has actually made me feel a lot better. and talking to Mike on the phone for as long as i did really made me realize what a loser asshole he is. bottom line is i can't wait for october to get here, i love my boyfriend, and nothing's going to change that.

i know i've been slacking writing in this thing, and i apologize. i know you're dying without my words.

anyways. these past few days have been pretty good. i found out yesterday that my night classes for the rest of the week are cancelled, which is awesome because that class is 3 hours long and it's a pain in my ass. gotta love AFO. that's one of the main reasons why i'm writing right now actually, because i actually have a moment to breath, which i haven't had in a while. and the sad thing is is that i'm not really sure what i've been doing.. because i haven't been really working on my projects, so i don't know. i did some serious work on that paper today though, which felt good. i'm starting to think that i'm kind of sliding by, like i did in high school. my mom would not be happy to know that.

speaking of my mom, she's probably going to read this because i was talking to her about it earlier and she said she wanted the link so she could read it. there's probably some pretty juicy stuff in here, maybe it'll let her know how hard this past year has been and that she needs to give me a break. hmmm. :D i love you, mom.

i started thinking these past few days about how much i miss high school. it's sad to think about because, you know, you can't go back into the past. the end of my senior year and the summer was probably the best time of my life. i know that's pretty cliche.. but i like it. me and Katie had only started becoming friends with, pretty much our best friend, Kurt, towards the end of our senior year. but i'm really glad we did. because even though sometimes he's one of the most selfish people i know, i love him to death. and there'll be times when he'll call me for no reason.. and even all the drunk phone calls at 10PM on Wednesday nights mean something. well, they mean something more than he's an alcoholic.. but yes.
i just miss being the big man on campus. senior year felt so good, because we had everything together. i'll look at pictures of Wesley and his friends from senior year, and pictures from me and Katies, and it's just sad. we had SO much fun that year. and even though there were some really shitty times, most of it was just fucking awesome.
running away from the security guard every day, getting caught with cigarettes on school grounds and almost getting expelled, fighting with my exboyfriend every day of my life, almost failing english because i kept skipping, running into Wesley when i'm leaving for my free-block, being called a whore almost every day, getting into numerous accidents because i'm a fucking idiot, smoking.. quitting.. starting.. quitting.. starting again.. quitting again.., never going to lunch in the cafeteria to eat lunch, and going to taco bell instead because we loved the chance of getting caught by the security., and so many more things. i know all of that sounds like it completely sucks, but just writing it again puts a smile on my face. i'm really going to miss high school, and i never thought i'd say that, but i do. senior year + senior summer were the best times of my life. i loved it.

update on Wesley? i haven't gotten a letter from him in a while which is kind of a bummer. the last letter that i got from him was probably the single most hilarious thing that i've ever read [besides Tucker Max]. this letter was to Katie, from Wesley's friend at BCT. i open the letter, and inside are two pictures. these are pictures of Bauer, Wesley's bunkmate. unfortunately i cannot share with you the hilarious-ness of these photographs, but you can imagine. i'm going to write out the letter for you, so that you can get the full effect. plus it's completely worth it because it's hilarious.

"Hey Girl
It's me PVT Bauer, I'm Walkers bunk buddy. Due to a shortage of linens we have grown to know eachother very well. Anywho i was looking through some pictures and i decided i would go to any lengths to hook up with you on graduation day. Ever since i stole that picture and made splatter maps of Hawaii in stall three, I knew you would be the girl i would heart-dot my "I's" for. [all of the "i's" in this paragraph are dotted with hearts.]
By the way I'm from Wisconsin, a city called Eau Claire. I fuckin adore music, punk and metal are my favorites but I jam to it all. I used to party a shit ton, smoke weed, and get fucked up on some wild shit with my roommates. I had a girlfriend but I became an asshole when I joined the army I suppose. [his girlfriend had recently broken up with him over the phone] Walker and I decided that you should come to Georgia for coffee and cigs around the 17th. Just to let you know you're invited. Also if you tried to take advantage of me I might not have the willpower to stop you. All joking aside if I don't get pelt soon, my dick is liable to fall off. I guess a letter back would be alright instead / also. you should tell me about yourself. Dorm mates writing to bunkmates sounds like a Grade-A fuck fest.
Pictures are okay too if you're into that. =]
Oh yeah, LETS GET WASTED!!!"

ok now realize this guy has been without female contact for the past month and a half. and on top of that his bitch of a girlfriend broke up with him. so i feel for the guy. Katie, on the other hand, did not. while i was laughing my ass off at the fucking hilarity of this letter, Katie was commenting on the nastyness of it all. i can just picture Wesley egging him on while this Bauer kid was writing that letter. i don't know, the whole thing is just hilarious. that letter just gave me one more thing to look forward to when i go to Georgia -- meeting that kid.
other than that, Wesley's doing fine. they've started going to the range a lot lately and doing rifle shit, which i'm sure he's totally into because he's a guy and likes guns. he should be allowed to call home at least once a week now, which is amazing. i go down to Fort Benning in a little less than a month. i'm pretty sure that's going to be the best days of my entire life. i couldn't be more excited.

so my mom read all my blogs. that didn't go over so well. she said that she didn't really know what to say to me, and that she can't believe that i would write about these things for a class. i guess she didn't know what i was doing with my life the past few years. which is understandable because she doesn't really talk to me like she used to. i went to Belle Isle with my friend from middle school, John Chu, today, and he said, "so what happened with you and your mom? you guys used to be like best friends.." my thoughts exactly. i don't know what happened. maybe i grew up, or maybe i changed; i'm not sure. she used to say "i love you.. but i don't like you." i wish things could go back to the way that they were when i was in middle school. i know that i have a lot more responsibility now, but it was different back then. maybe she felt like when i was little, she was being a best friend and now she's trying to clean up her act and become more of a mother figure. i'm not really sure, but it's really not working for me. i thought that going to college would stop the arguing, but if she's still going to treat me like i'm in high school, then i'm not sure where our relationship is headed.
i'm going home this weekend, and once again i'm not allowed to use the car. not even to go hang out with Wesley's little sister for a few hours when my mom's not even going to be home. what's the point in me going to my house and sitting around doing nothing when she's not even going to be there? yeah, i don't know. but nonetheless, she won't fucking budge. i tried talking to her about it and she said, "are you really going to start this now? on thursday?" i guess she's right, i should wait until i actually get into my house and she's standing in front of me before i start yelling at her. that'll make more of an impact. thanks Mom.

anyways. i'm feeling incredibly on edge lately and i'm not sure why. i feel like someone can say the wrong thing to me and i'll just blow up in their face. Katie got a letter from her grandmother today, and she woke me up with this news. i had just fallen asleep. nothing against Katie, but in that moment i felt like i could have killed her. partially because i haven't gotten a letter from Wesley since.. Monday? or maybe even before that. it probably hasn't been that long, but it just feels like forever. you never know how much you miss someone until they're gone, i suppose.

i swear, this weekend should be officially dubbed "Ex Weekend".
i've hung out with almost all my ex-boyfriends, ex-hookups, ex-friends.

INCIDENT #1:
last night i went to the movies with Knox. he is one of Wesley's good good friends. they are, in fact, very much alike. i dated Knox about.. 9 - 10 months before i started dating Wesley. after Knox and i broke up, he ignored me for 5 months, and held my $80 bathing suit captive in his house. he would not return my phone calls, instant messages, or anything over the internet. it was so frustrating. he is one of the main reasons why i became so .. you know, my senior year. he claims that i was way more messed up from my other ex-boyfriend, Zane, but i'm not too sure.
anyways, we went to see Good Luck Chuck. besides the fact that it was FULL of sex, first scene to the last, it was pretty awkward. i feel like things with me and him never got fully closed, and in my mind it was still a pretty open wound. i hated Knox for the longest time because of what he did to me. and up until the day before Wesley left for the Army, he was still a jerk to me. he claims that he was jealous, initially, and that's why he was acting that way. i'm not sure if i believe that or not.
either way he was being a relatively nice guy to me. it was refreshing, finally having the old Knox back instead of the asshole ex-boyfriend that i hated and wanted to spite. he told me that he missed me and gave me a hug. and he actually said that when he saw that i was coming home, he was excited because he didn't really know why he'd been such a jerk to me. it was nice. hopefully we can carry on that friendship -- at least until he ships for the USCG on October 16th.

INCIDENT #2: while at the movies with Knox, i run into none other than the infamous Chris Bohlin. i had hooked up with him a lot. either while i was dating someone else, or right after. i'm not sure why because, like Knox, he dicked me. he fucked me over so good. we had started hooking up during the start of my senior year, his junior year. at first it was like a mutual decision with no feelings involved. but silly me, i had to go deeper than that. after a few months of continuous hookup, he decided that it was a good time to tell me that he had a girlfriend. BUT SHE LIVED IN CONNECTICUT. so that automatically made it ok. kind of like saying, "with all do respect.." before you say something completely mean. i realized that this was probably a bad idea, for the sake of my still fragile emotions after the breakup with Knox. yet i continued to dig myself in deeper. after he lied to me and ditched me at prom for this stupid Connecticut bitch, i decided that i was done with it. in the months after that there were a few times when it was a "booty call" situation. but nothing more that that. we hadn't seen eachother in at least a month. Knox said that he didn't want me to talk to him because he "had crystal earrings". his 1/2 gauge plugs were big jewels. this kids tight, i know. INCIDENT #3: tonight i hung out with my other ex-boyfriend, Mike. yes, the one that i wrote that nasty entry about. we hung out with our friend Josh, who i hadn't seen since he dropped out of school. these kids are bad news. we drove around and went to the movies to see Katie because she was working. that really felt like summer again. with Katie working, and hanging out with Mike, and because it's so warm. every time i come home to NOVA i feel like i digress a bit.

in other news: the unthinkable happened.

so i'm back in Richmond, and happy about it. this weekend was way to much for me to handle. plus, i didn't do any school work whatsoever, which was not a good decision. if it wasn't for Sunday, i'm pretty sure that i would have lost my mind.

i went to church with Wesley's family on Sunday. by the way, i got to use my car that day, for the WHOLE day, which was exciting. anyways, i got to church literally right before it started. i saw Danny, Wesley's brother, and JW, Wesley's step-dad. JW gave me a hug and said it was good to see me. then Wesley's mom came over. i hadn't seen her in a good 3 months, so it was awesome to see her again. she came up to me and gave me a huge hug and said "i miss you so much!". it's good to know that they like me; reassuring.
the church that they go to is very relaxed. they don't have a regular pastor anymore, so the guy who teaches sunday school does the sermon. that's pretty tight, because he always has some weird game-like thing for everyone to do. very sunday school - ish. it's a baptist church, so they sing a lot, like all baptists. during the first song everyone's supposed to "meet your neighbor". Wesley's mom came back over and told me she loved me. i'm not really sure how to think about that. i feel like they're practically my second family. Knox said that she probably gets so attached because she's so religious, which i think is probably true. but it's still nice to know that they care so much about me.
after church i went back to their house and Wesley's mom made dinner for everyone. Wesley's little step-niece was there, and she's the cutest thing ever. i hadn't seen her in a while either, so that was good. she's got so much energy, i don't know what to do. like if i ended up having a kid like that, i would probably have a breakdown every day. i don't know how Wesley's mom does it. shes probably like my mom though, she always wants someone to take care of. and they're both pretty good at it, so more power to them.
anyways, she cooked dinner and we all ate together. i played with Skylar, Wesley's little step-niece, for a few hours. then Wesley called. i was hoping that that would happen while i was still at his house, because it'd make it easier for him to talk to all of us. he sounds like he's having a lot of fun, and like he's making a lot of friends. it's kind of like he's at summer camp, actually. but i'm glad that he's not hating life and regretting joining the army.
and there's only 3 more weeks left until i go down to Georgia to see him! it's amazing how the time has really flew by. Mrs. Walker says that it feels like so long ago that he left, but looking back on it for me it really seems like it was yesterday. it was so hard to have to say bye to him, especially since all of his jackass friends were there with us at the recruiters. i can't wait until i go down to Georgia. it's going to be the happiest fucking day of my life thus far.

i'll leave you with this:

me + katie ; freshman year homecoming.

worst.
weekend.
ever.

i'll tell you from the beginning. throughout the past week, me and my exboyfriend, Mike, had been talking a lot. there were times where we'd talk on the phone, tell eachother to call the other person later, or stuff like that. and it was fine. he was being nice, and normal and not an idiot. that was a relief.
thursday night he calls me and tells me that he's going to come down for the weekend. i was like, "oh alright, that should be good". because i hadn't seen Mike in about a week, and he has somethings that i would like to have.. you know, so that's good, too. so we talked about it. we talked about where he was going to sleep, and we pretty much decided that he was going to sleep with me. when i talked to Katie about this, she thought that it was an absolutely awful idea, and that i was making a huge mistake by letting him sleep in the same bed as me. especially since when we broke up, it wasn't really on good terms, and because of the way our relationship was (and the fact that i might not have been able to control myself). i looked past that and said it was no big deal and that he could sleep with me and everything would be alright.
he gets here friday night, late afternoon. he gets out of the car with enough baggage to last him a fucking week. i am confused. we go upstairs to the room and him, and our friend Josh that came, too, drop all their stuff off. alright, the whole middle of the room is covered in crap. that's cool, i'll try to not think about that.
we all go to Shafer with Nick, Grant, Hunter and Laney. this is at 10 o'clock. Shafer is no longer full of food, it is full of shit. i am upset. i eat cereal, and pizza. it is satisfying, for the moment. once we're all done, we go outside to smoke a cigarette. Mike reveals that he has taken 3 Codine pills. he tells us this 2 minutes before he throws up in the bushes. now i am regretting that food.
while we were eating Mike was constantly saying things that were intended to get attention. this is the one thing that i could NEVER stand about him. he always does this when he's around people that he feels like he needs to compete with them for my attention. i don't give a shit, and i ignore him. he is upset. sometimes i think that he has more of a vagina than i do.
once we were done smoking our cigarettes, we decide that we need to go to 7-Eleven. this is our usual night. Shafer, then 7-Eleven, then back to someone's dorm. Mike and Josh seem upset that they aren't at a party drinking. again, i do not give a shit. Mike continues to have a snobby attitude through the entire time that we are walking to and from 7-Eleven. Josh realizes that he's being a little bitch, and wants to get away from him. i am on his side. we start trying to think of ways to get rid of him. it's not as easy as we thought.
eventually, our friend Meghan calls Mike and we get rid of him and Josh. all of their stuff is still in our room. me and Katie go on to do whatever we would do. Josh and Mike go hang out with Meghan and her friends, while me and Katie hang out with ours. this is fine by me, and i am happy that Mike is no longer in my sight. around 3 in the morning, i have to go downstairs to sign Mike and Josh back into the dorm. i am annoyed at this.
once they are upstairs, i give Josh the pillow that i have on my bed because it was already established that he was sleeping on the floor. Josh is an agreeable person, and this is why i like him. i lay down in my bed, the lights are still on, but i'm ready to go to sleep. Mike sits on the edge of my bed and acts as if he is watching t.v. i know that he is just waiting for me to tell him to sleep in my bed with me. unfortunately for him, this is not going to happen.
i can't really remember what i said, or did to make him realize that he wasn't sleeping with me, but he got the picture. him and Josh slept next to eachother. Josh was comfortable enough, and i didn't care about Mike, so i fell right asleep.
upon waking up in the morning, i have to listen to Mike bitch at me about how awful it was to sleep on the floor. he still does not realize that i do not give a shit. i try not to talk to him. he gets more upset.
we get rid of Mike and Josh early on. they go to Belle Isle, we go to Five Guys. they hang out with their NoVa people, we hung out with our RVa people. i was happy now. i had no idea where they were, and i was fine with that.
i get a text from Meghan in the afternoon saying that Mike fell into the river and he is soaking wet and broke his phone. i act as if i am asleep and do not answer the phone. Mike needs to take a shower, but that does not affect me, and i still do not answer the phone. Meghan attempts to call from someone elses phone. i still do not answer. i am slick; she does not realize this.
the day goes on, i don't see Mike or Josh at all during the day except in the morning. once it starts to get dark out, me and Katie start thinking about what we're going to do that night. Nick, Katie and i go to Shafer -- without Grant or Hunter because they went home to see their girlfriends. gay.
after Shafer, we go back to Nick's dorm room to play video games until we go to this party that we heard about earlier. i still have not heard from Mike or Meghan.
i get a text from Meghan at around 11 o'clock. it says "so Mike and Josh totally walked off and went somewhere and they don't have a phone or know where they are. fuckin idiots." i laugh a little bit, and then realize that this is probably not a good situation. i tell Meghan that i don't care, and i don't know what to tell her. there is nothing that i can do. i am, again, confused.
Grant comes home from Warsaw, and we hang out with him for a little bit. then Nick, Grant, Katie and me all decide to go to this party with some of my friends that i know through Wesley. this party is across Broad, and i'm slightly hesitant. the thought of beer overrules the threat of getting raped and i continue to walk towards the party.
we walk into this backyard. there are atleast 150 people there. i am taken aback. Hilary finds the keg when we see feet in the air. keg stand = keg. keg = beer. beer = happy. i am slightly relieved. then we realize there are no more cups. Grant says that this party must be B.Y.O.B. now i'm annoyed. we decide to leave.
we go to Aladdin instead and get a hookah. this is calming, and i'm enjoying myself.
then Katie sees Mike and Josh walking outside the hookah bar. they see me and i run outside. i yell at them for being idiots. Mike has an attitude problem. this does not shock me. i ask them if they are stupid. they say that Meghan and everyone left them at the front of this party and they decided to just walk away. i ask them if they realize that we have been looking for them for the past 2 hours. they both have attitudes now. this pisses me off.
Meghan comes up behind us. i didn't know how she found us, and i was amazed at that. we both yelled at them for another few minutes and then i decided i was going to go back into Aladdin. i told Meghan to call me if she needed me because at this point Mike and Josh were still going to stay the night in our room.
we finished at the hookah bar and went back into Grants room in Johnson. we were going to watch a movie, but the process of that took over 20 minutes and Hilary decided that she didn't want to walk back to GRC at 4 in the morning. i understand this. i wouldn't want to get mugged either. i go to sign her out.
we start to watch Pan's Labyrinth, but decided that we didn't want to actually think about a movie. Katie and Grant went to go get The 40-Year-Old Virgin. this movie requires no thought process at all. i'm calmed.
by 3 o'clock i am falling asleep in Grants bed. i decide that i need to go back to my room. Meghan calls me because Mike needs to get all his shit out of my room. i am so incredibly happy at hearing this. Mike is not sleeping in our room. this means a night free of bitching. i am estatic.
i wake up this morning at 10 o'clock because Mike has left his phone charger. i curse at the top of my bed because he is such an idiot. then i get the charger and go downstairs to give it to him. he tells me that i have the wrong charger. i curse some more. i bring the right charger down. he tells me to go back to sleep. i grunt and turn around. at this point i just want him to leave.

and now here i am. i may have been stressed into getting a cold. today will be spent doing homework. i have to finish this one art project that is a major pain in my ass. i will talk to Wesley today though, and that makes me happy. i miss him a lot. but there's only 2 more weeks left before i see him. that also makes me happy.