ok so, today is the day before i go back to nova.
i went to church this morning with Wesley's sister and his brother. Baptist church is 20 times better than catholic church. Wes' brother was right, catholic church almost seems like mindless worship. i don't mean to offend any of you who are catholic, because i do respect your beliefs, but catholic mass is extremely stressful.
anyways, the service was at 11. and we got there at.. 11. go figure. Wesley's stepdad is pretty important in the church, which i didn't know, and he gave a few speeches throughout the service. everyone came up to me and seemed to know who i was. Carolyn was introducing me as Sarah and a few people went "OHHHHH", which was slightly awkward. but in a way it's cute, i'm glad they know who i am.
i spent most of my day at Wesley's house, talking with Carolyn and watching the US Open. i don't understand a lick of tennis, so we weren't really paying attention. i can't tell you how much i enjoy talking with Carolyn. i've said this so many times, but i see so much of myself in her. she and her exboyfriend broke up about 6 months ago, and she's still completely in love with him. two years ago, that was me. i really tried to seek strength in God during that time, and believe it or not, it really helped. i hate to be a preacher, but it's true. Carolyn's an extremely strong person, and she has an extremely strong family. my only wish is that she's able to get over this boy, and i know she can, but it's so hard for her. it hurts me to see her hurting.
it's always nice to be over at their house, because we're able to both talk about Wesley and memories that we have with him from before he left. she told me a story about how earlier in the year Wesley had dared Carolyn to eat part of a dog bone. she said that they both took a bite of it. Carolyn spit it out because, well, it's dog food. but she said Wesley chewed it and swallowed it. and then proceeded to take another bite. what the hell, i know. i swear he's not that weird. but it's good to hear stories like that. Wesley's an amazing person, i can't believe how lucky i am. and it sucks that he had to leave, especially when our relationship was just starting.
i have mixed feelings though about the future. i tend to get caught up in relationships, and fall way too hard too fast. me and Wesley's relationship is completely different though. i'm not gonna lie, towards the end of my senior year i literally tried to sleep with everyone. everyone at school pretty much knew who i was, and would send me text messages basically asking me for.. favors, if you catch my drift. i've changed since then, i realized how awful it was, and what it was doing to my confidence. being with Wesley is completely different then being with any other person that i've been with. i really feel like this could work out for a long time, but thinking about this upcoming year really worries me. technically he's not going to be home .. ever. after he gets out of basic in georgia, he goes straight to AIT at Bragg in North Carolina. while he's at Bragg he's convinced that he'll be able to leave every weekend, and take the train up to Richmond to stay with me. i'm sorry, but i really really really doubt that. after he's at Bragg for a few months, he'll go back to Benning for airborne training for a few months. then he'll be back at Bragg for 6 months up to a year for his language training. and after that it could be Iraq. and that's the part that i really don't want to think about. i feel like looking this much into the future is slightly insane of me. why would i think that we'd even be together this long? i want to be. boy, do i want to be. but honestly. in reality, can this really work? Wesley's mom tries to convince me that her best friend Lara has been with her husband for 17+ years, and they went through training together. and they're still together. she added the part "with two kids!".. awkward.
i'm going to take these next few years day by day. eventually once Wesley is able to have any sort of communication with me besides letters, this will be about 100 times easier. i'm trying as hard as i can not to think about him going to Iraq or Afghanistan, but unfortunately that's a reality that i'm probably going to have to deal with. i used to say that i wasn't going to vote, but i sure as hell am now -- for someone who wants to pull the troops out as fast as possible. it's hard to grasp the fact that it's still a month and a half before i'll get to see him again. and i'm thinking about him constantly. it's awful, i've never missed someone this much.
fourty-six more days.