tri-SARAH-tops

there are very few things in my life that i regret, or really wonder what the fuck i was thinking when i did them.
one of these things is dating Mike.

things blew up today with everyone. Meghan claimed that i was "fake" and went behind her back and was messing around with the guy that she had told me that she liked. OMG WE'RE IN 10TH GRADE AGAIN. this girl is fucking 19 years old. she needs to grow the fuck up.
i have been fake to her.
and i did go behind her back.
my reason: she is an annoying immature person.

we were friends. we got along well. in the past.

shit sucks. friendships eventually die out.

i don't care in the least.

i am in Richmond. the drama will stay in NoVa with those who were not good enough to go to a university.

i hate everyone.

i am not fake to people who i like.
i am not fake to people who do not treat me as they would like to be treated.

words of wisdom: treat others as you would like to be treated.

don't fuck with me, and i will try my hardest not to fuck with you.

friend count -- 2 down, 22 to go.

i am sitting on my bed in my house back in Northern Virginia. i have just woken up.
i realize that i haven't been writing in my blog that much at all lately, and i apologize. i'm completely engrossed with art stuff, or have been for the past week.

everyone is home this weekend, and it's basically for one reason: Brad Paisley. he's playing at Nissan Pavilion today. most of Wesley's friends are going to that.
country concerts at Nissan are basically an excuse for underage stupid girls to get rediculously trashed and listen to shitty music. and the guys are there to watch and hope to get lucky.
i did get invited to go, though, and i considered it for a few hours. but the only reason why i turned it over in my head for so long is because Andrew was going. since he blew me off last night i'm not going to see him before he ships for USCG on the 15th. and that kind of sucks. but i'm trying really hard not to think about it.
instead of going and getting wasted with a bunch of 18 - 20 year olds, today i am going shopping with Carolyn (Wesley's little sister) for her homecoming dress. his mom sent me an email like a week ago that was saying how she didn't have a crystal ball, and she doesn't know where me and Wesley's relationship is, but "being with a service man is a very difficult thing". she said that being near me makes her feel closer to Wesley, and that i've become the sister that Carolyn has never really had. that is a very comfortable feeling.

this weekend will probably be extremely stressful. i really really don't know why i continue to come home. katie has a reason -- her boyfriend lives up north, but me, i have NO reason. i'm not allowed to use the car, i have no money, usually there's no one down here other than katie that i can hang out with. it's pretty much all bullshit. the fact that all of Wesley's friends are home for the weekend makes me veeeeeeeeeeeeeeery nervous. throughout the entire month that me and Wesley were dating before he left for Benning, his best friend Ryan made me cry at least 3 times. in person. it was rediculous. i don't know why it bothers me so much that they're here, because i'm sure that i am the last thing on their mind. it just sucks when i'm sitting around doing nothing and they're out getting wasted. i should be doing that. but because i'm limited with transportation, i can't. oh well.

anyway, i saw The Kingdom last night. it was so freaking good. i think that Jamie Foxx really likes the military though, because he's in a lot of military / police movies. but it really doesn't matter because he does a fucking damn good job.

by the end of my senior year in high school, i just wanted it to be over. understandable.
now, i'd give almost anything to go back.
i'll recount the years for you [what i can remember].

FRESHMAN YEAR:
after going to a private school from preschool to 8th grade, transitioning into a public high school was more than scary. my first day of freshman year is probably on my Top 10 Worst Days list. i knew no one except 2 people, one of which i had had a crush on for the previous 4 years. i didn't really talk to either of them, and was really shy and quiet. i met Katie and Ellie my freshman year. we had another friend, Julie. she was insane, but in a good way for the most part. Me and Julie got really close sophomore year. at one point, Katie and I stopped being close because Julie had come between us. Julie eventually transferred to Hayfield [another highschool in the county] because she said that she couldn't stand us. she still claimed until senior year that i copied everything that she did. there were no cliques then, everyone was friends with everyone else. that was something that we all took for granted, i think, because after freshman year, EVERYONE split up. this was also the year that my mom and my stepdad started dating, and i realized that our plan of moving to La Jolla was never going to happen.

SOPHOMORE YEAR:
i'm going to be honest, i can't remember hardly anything about this year. not because i was on drugs or anything, just because.. i'm not really sure. Katie and i were best friends by this time, and Ellie was right along with us. we were always together, and did everything together. it was pretty perfect. i was still close with my friend Charisse from highschool. i met my first real boyfriend, Zane, through her. i used to go to local shows A LOT my senior year, and i'd go with Charisse most of the time. i got really into the local scene. that was pretty lame looking back on it. but i suppose we learn from our mistakes. i got my first kiss this year at Flipside Festival [a major show where local bands play along side bands like Motion City Soundtrack and The Academy Is..] when i was 16. i've always felt like this was really late for me. oh well. the summer of my sophomore year i lost my virginity to Zane. i was 16 and he was 18. when his mom found out that we had been having sex she was really upset. i walked in on her and Zane talking about it and she was in tears holding a condom wrapper in her hand. that was pretty awful.

JUNIOR YEAR:
by far the most memorable year of high school. i went into my junior year happy with my boyfriend and best friend. everything was awesome. i had been slacking on my school work before this year, and i told myself [and my mom] that i'd raise my grades. junior year is supposed to be the most important year. i didn't do so well. Ellie, Katie and I were still close friends at the beginning of the year, but that quickly changed. cliques were very present by junior year, and everyone knew who the people who partied were. long story short: Ellie chose alcohol over us. i can remember one specific incident when i realized she wasn't the same. we were practicing for something afterschool with most of the class of 07. i asked Ellie to drive me home so that i could get something that i forgot and i needed. she was the only one out of all of us that had her license. there is a law that says you can only have a certain number of people in the car at one time. she never followed this rule until that day. she didn't give me a ride home, and our friendship pretty much ended there. it sounds pretty petty to think that it ended because of a car ride, but that wasn't the only thing. after we stopped being friends she started talking a lot of crap about me, which was really lame. but whatever. April 22nd was Zane and i's year anniversary. we went to the museums in DC and i wrote him probably the most adorable card pouring out my heart. we broke up the next day. this was the only time in my life where i seriously considered suicide. i have never been so devastated in my entire life. but it was over. he completely stopped talking to me after we broke up, despite my numerous attempts. come to find out in the middle of my senior year that my mom had called his mom and told her to not let him talk to me. bullshit. i ended my senior year depressed, without a boyfriend and with one less best friend. however, this was the year that i got my first job at the movie theatre. that job, as you'll see, has brought me so much.

SENIOR YEAR:
the summer of junior year i worked every weekend at the movie theatre. it was awesome. all the managers hated me because i have horrible work ethics, but i loved every minute of it. we all fucked around so much. there was a group of guys that would always come up to me when i was in box office and tell me that it was their birthdays. i'm not an idiot, and i knew that they were fucking with me, but one of them was cute so i figured what the hell and let them in for free. they came almost every weekend, completely plastered, and would talk to me and tell me to come to these "house parties" that didn't really exist. these guys were Andrew, Enzo, Tyler, Ryan, and Wesley. yes, Wesley my boyfriend. there was one day that they came in right before i got off work. Andrew and Enzo went into the theatre and me and Katie went in when we got off and watched the same movie. when they came out I made sure that Andrew saw me and we all exchanged numbers and hung out. Andrew left for Wisconsin the day after that. he had said that we were going to hang out before he left, but that didn't happen. he called me a few times from Wisconsin when he was drunk at 2 in the morning. but he was cute so it didn't really matter. then he didn't call me for an entire week, and i figured that nothing was going to come out of it. i started talking to this other guy Aubrey, and things got kind of serious with us. i went to the movies with Aubrey the night that Andrew came back from Wisconsin. he called me and told me that he was at the movies, too, so i went out to see him and Enzo. Aubrey is the definition of the "Alpha Male" and got really upset. before he left he smacked me as hard as he could on my ass and walked away. Andrew still hates him for that. Enzo and Andrew came back to my house and Tyler and Danny Lee came over and they all got fucking wasted. i had to let them stay at my house because clearly they couldn't drive. Andrew asked me out that night. we dated for 3 months after that, and i was the happiest that i'd been since me and Zane broke up. unfortunately, Andrew was grounded 80% of the time, and i hardly ever saw him. but, damn, was i a good girlfriend. i would pick him up from school, take him home to get his work shit, take him to work, pick him up when work was over, and drive him home. i wasn't even allowed to go inside when i took him home because he was grounded. it was bullshit, looking back on it, but i did it because i loved him. we broke up because he said he couldn't do it anymore. i had been telling him this for the past 2 months. he got ungrounded the week that we broke up. once again -- bullshit. i got really depressed after this, too. i had quit my job right when we started dating because i broke my nose. i got another job, but got a reckless driving ticket while i was going to work, and had to quit that, too. so i was once again depressed and jobless. after we broke up i went into the classic "i'm lonely so i'm going to sleep with everyone who gives me the slightest bit of attention". i slept with 5 people within 2 months. i went a little overboard. this was when the whole Mike thing happened, too, and that fucked me up even more. i kept sleeping around, and everyone knew how i was. i would get text messages all the time asking me to come over, or asking if i'm "trying to fuck". it was degrading. but for some reason i liked it. i liked the attention, as messed up as that is. i was hanging out with Katie for the most part, and i became really close with Kurt. Kurt was really close with the people who partied all the time, so by the end of the year, i was closer with them, too. i finally felt like i was friends with everyone again, and that was a good feeling. prom brough on some really weird times. some stupid bitch pretty much stole my prom date, but he was stupid for even going with her because he knew that he liked me more. seems really immature now, but at the time it meant a lot. i eventually went with Kurt, which was awesome because i love him. the afterparty stuff was a mess though, and we ended up just going home afterwards. by the time graduation came around, me and Mike were just about to make things official, and it was kind of awkward. at all night grad he asked me if it was alright for him to kiss me in front of everyone. i told him no. i was never really comfortable with our relationship. there's no doubt in my mind that my senior year + senior year summer was the best time of my life. despite all the shit that happened during the school year, it was still awesome. and i had the time of my life over the summer. i went to the beach with my best friend, and i did get the worst sickness that i've gotten in a while, but i got to get close with Wesley, which was what i'd been wanting for pretty much the past few months. i remember being really confused when things first started happening between us because i wasn't sure what it was going to be like when we got back to Virginia. i knew that all of his friends hated me, and i wasn't sure what he was going to do. he told me that nothing was going to change, and it didn't. he took me out to dinner on my birthday, and we were together pretty much every day all day for the next month until he left for Fort Benning in August.

i can honestly say that i'm the happiest that i have ever been. i'm with someone that i love more than anything, i have the best friends in the entire world, and i'm studying something in school that i love doing. it sucks that we can't go back in time, because if i could relive my senior year over again, i would. i wouldn't want to be in any other place in my life right now, and i think [+ hope] that it can only get better.

i'm leaving tomorrow morning at 10 AM for Georgia. i can't believe that i'm leaving tomorrow morning. it seems like i've waited forever for this, but at the same time it's like Wesley just left yesterday.
i remember the day that he left i was at work. he was leaving from MEPS in Baltimore while i was still going to be working, and i couldn't concentrate on anything else but that. he texted me pretty much every 10 minutes letting me know what was going on. i could hardly do any work, i couldn't think about anything else. i had to go in the back at least 5 times because i couldn't stop crying.
the week before i left for VCU was miserable. i didn't really know what to do with myself. that sounds really lame and obsessive, but oh well. i had spent almost every hour of every day for the past month with Wesley, and then i couldn't even talk to him at all. it was hard to quit cold turkey.
i have at least 10 letters from him. when i read the first few ones, i used to cry at the end of every one. i've never missed someone as much as i missed him. it was insane.

now that i'm leaving tomorrow, looking back on everything i'm so proud of myself. this was probably one of the hardest things that i will ever have to do, and i got through it. i can't wait to see Wes on Wednesday. i'm SO excited.
ANDDDD to add onto the excitement that i already have, this weekend i get to see my best friend Kurt. AND it's my highschool's homecoming. AND i get to see my cats.
god i love my life.

well i'm sitting in the hotel room in Columbus, Georgia. it's thursday night and it's almost 10 o'clock.
Wesley left at 9, he had to be back on base then.

the past two days with him were without at doubt the best two days of my life thus far.
i've never felt more comfortable, and amazing with anyone else.
i feel like i fall more and more in love with him with every second that we're together.

graduation was awesome. they had tanks and guns shooting blanks and smoke shit. it was really great.
i used to hate the army because my family is so liberal.
but now i love it.

i'll probably write more later, but that's about the jist of it.
Wesley's still the same, just more polite.
he was really sad about leaving, but said he might get a pass for this weekend to go back to NoVa and hang out.
all his army friends are hilarious. they're just like his old friends except they like me and they're nicer.

i'm really tired, so i'm going to go to sleep.
12 hour drive tomorrow -- fuck yes.
waking up at 6 -- fuck yes x 10
SEEING KURT JAMES -- FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YESSSSSSSSS
k tight bye.

well i'm back in NoVa now. we left Georgia yesterday morning at 7:30, and didn't get home until 8 o'clock at night. it was freakin ridiculous. i'm surprised that i'm still alive, to be quite honest.

anyway Georgia was awesome. i have time to kill before i have to go to my eye doctor appointment, so i can write about it now.
we got there Tuesday night.. actually Wednesday morning at like 2 or 3. i can't really remember what we did, but i'm pretty sure we went into the hotel and everyone passed out.
Wednesday was Family Day. basically it meant that we would go down to Fort Benning, see what it was like, and then Wesley would get a day pass to come with us until 9.
just as a side note, i am never going to Georgia ever again unless it's for one of these two reasons: 1. To visit Wesley at Benning. or 2. To go to Atlanta. Columbus, Georgia should be on a list for the Top 5 Worst Cities in the Nation. all that they have are lifted Crown Victorias rolling on Dubs with fucking stupid paint schemes and stores where you can clean your grill. not the grill that you cook on either. yes, that's how "dirty south" Columbus is.
anyway, we went to Benning to watch some award ceremony. Wesley's mom wasn't even close to seeing him and she was already crying when we were parking the car. i thought that would have been me, but i just felt like i was going to vomit everywhere.
every platoon came marching out in their little army outfits [ hhahahahhahaha ] and stood in formation. knowing Wesley before he left, it was INSANE to see him like this. he didn't crack a smile once when he was in formation and me and Carolyn were standing right there and i KNEW he saw us. i guess he gained some will power.
after they were done with their little ceremony thing, the Drill Sergeant told us we could go over and talk to them. i let Wesley's mom go ahead and see him first just because i didn't want it to turn into a race or something gay like that, haha.
it's hard to describe the feeling that you get when you see someone that you haven't seen for an extended period of time. it's relief and happiness and sadness and just everything rolled into one. it was amazing to finally see him again. there's really not much more i can do to try to describe it.
we went off base and back to the hotel where we slept for most of the day. it was awesome. i feel like i really could care less about anything going on when i'm around him.
Thursday was graduation and it rained. we did basically the same thing that we did on Wednesday except saying goodbye was 10 times harder. Wesley said that he feels like it's harder this time than the last, but i haven't decided yet.
he went to Bragg yesterday morning from Atlanta. he's in North Carolina now, which is like 10 hours closer, and that's pretty sweet. as of right now he still has his phone, and he says that he can get visitors which works out well because they have family friends in Fayetteville and that makes it SO much easier.
i know i was really scared that he was going to change into some cold military guy that just thought ARMY all the time. i was soooooooo wrong. Wesley changed for the better, if at all. he's more polite and everything. i really can't picture myself being with anyone else.. ever. that's really fucking scary, but i realized that when i was in Georgia. he's smart, funny, polite.. everything. everyone should go find an army boy.
i am exactly where i want to be in my life. i have never ever ever been more happier than i am right now. i love this kid more than anything in the woooooooorld. and it's tight.

here's some pictures:

























=]

i hate how it takes forever for this stupid blog program to work. maybe it's just my computer, but i feel like me writing a blog depends on whether or not the fucking program wants to work.
gah, anyway. me and katie are watching 28 Weeks Later. it's pretty lame. the acting kind of sucks, and the story is practically Dawn of the Dead with british people. the cinematography is sweet though, and i guess that makes it a little better.
i got back from NoVa today around 8. we left at 5, and got stuck in traffic forEVER. it sucked. i feel like i've been living on 95 for the past 4 days. after the 14 hour drive from Georgia i really would rather not be in a car that i'm not driving for extended periods of time.
i've been talking to Wesley a lot lately because he hasn't gotten his phone taken away yet. he gets it taken away tomorrow until the phase change in like 5 weeks. he says that he'll probably be able to use the payphone at least on sundays, which is better than nothing. but either way i still feel like i've gone back to square one on this whole thing. i feel like i counted down the days to seeing him for nothing, because i'm back to not being able to see him for even longer this time. i have thanksgiving break to look forward to though, because i'm going to try to go down to Fayetteville to spend it with him and his family. i would tell my mom to come with me, but i already know that she would say that she didn't want to do that. we've been getting into a lot of ridiculous fights lately. Wesley's mom and i are going to try to go down to Bragg as much as we can and as soon as we can. hopefully that's soon because it's really hard to be away from him. i can't wait until the day that he's not so far away from me without any form of communication. that'll be nice.

anyway, i'm going to get some sleep. today has been so incredibly stressful. i thought that it was going to be the last day that i was going to hear from Wesley, but then it turns out tomorrow is. the truth is neither of us really know what's going to happen. he doesn't even know what's happening when it happens. he seems really excited though for what these next few weeks will bring.. which makes me really very happy. it's good to see that he's doing what he loves, even if he's far away from me. what can i say? i guess i really like the boy.

i haven't written anything in a while. and i don't really feel like writing now.
it's raining outside and it kind of sucks.
i've been really depressed since i got back from Georgia.
i really miss my boyfriend a lot, and not being able to talk to him AGAIN really blows.
i hate katie's exboyfriend with a passion.
he's such a self-righteous little asshole, it makes me sick.
i wish that i didn't have to go to class tonight, because i'm really not in the mood.
come to think of it, i'm not really in the mood for anything.
i feel kind of empty and bored.. like there's really nothing going on.
i don't really have that much to look forward to.
thanksgiving and christmas, i suppose, but both those things are far away.
i would be looking forward to getting mail, but whenever i do it takes forever for it to get here.
Wesley is supposed to send me his training ring ($200), and something that he got me.
he won't tell me what it is, but he says that it's really gay.
it's probably just something really corny. oh well.
i'm going down to Fayetteville for Thanksgiving, which is awesome.
my mom isn't really too happy about it i don't think, but there's plenty more Thanksgivings.
i'm trying to satisfy everyone at one time, and try to do things for myself.
i'm really stressed out, which isn't helping me feeling depressed at all.
i have two art things to do, one which isn't too hard but the other involves wood.
i can't seem to make time to be in the woodshop.
i tried to go today but there was another class in there, and my group never showed up.
there's a kid in my class named Curtis who i want to kill.
he's one of those kids that does EVERYTHING right and perfectly.
teacher's pet is the term.
i hate the fact that it's raining. and that it's getting dark earlier.
i want to be able to look forward to halloween, but i'm not excited anymore.
god, i miss my boyfriend. this sucks.
i hate having people telling me that our relationship is pointless.
just because we can never talk or see eachother.
even when i went down to Georgia i could feel how much stronger it was.
that gives me something to look forward to.
i told Wesley's mom that i think he's "it" for me.
i'm not sure if that was really the best idea, but oh well.
that is truely the way that i feel though, and i'm only 18.
how scary.
i feel like my life is really fucked up these days.
it'll get better after Thanksgiving i hope.

sometimes i just need my space.
there are times when i just want to be able to go to my room and crash.
i don't want to have to deal with kicking people out or anything.
i want to come home, be alone, and relax.
the one thing that really pisses me off is when people will not leave.
sometimes i will let it slide, and sometimes it's ok.
i will let certain people in my space -- my boyfriend, katie (sometimes), etc.
but only at certain times -- when i'm drunk, at certain times of the day..

tonight was not one of those times.
when i come home from a party, i do not want to:
A) sign someone in who didn't have to be here in the 1st place
B) have to deal with that person
C) have to almost yell at everyone to get them out.

and the worst part is: katie was sound asleep through the whole thing.
yeah, she just comes in the room, gets in bed with grant, and falls the fuck asleep.
i had told her to help me, you know, be on my side so that i don't have to be stuck sleeping with this dude.
BUT NO. she falls right asleep, not caring at all about anyone but herself.
honestly, i hope she reads this, just to understand from someone elses perspective.
i've never wanted to hurt her so badly than tonight.
just, my god, c'mon. really? i ASKED you to have my back, dude.
whatever.

i should be hearing from Wesley tomorrow.
and i looked skanky today.
and i'm going to Fayetteville for Thanksgiving.
and me and my mom are on good terms.
and i'm keeping up on my homework (better than i was before).
so i guess besides the fact that sometimes my best friend is a selfish whore..
life is pretty good.