Blog for xien

Today is my first day in US. But I didn't realize that at first.
I woke up very early cause it was freezing. The air condition worked just too fine. I couldn't understand how Americans could stand it. It's almost like winter indoors.
We walked downstairs, finding a lot of people coming in and out with all kinds of stuffs in their hands, on their backs, or whatever. Like students already finishing their semester, but I was not sure.
We rambled around our apartment, taking photos, watching a long queue composed mainly of African Americans. Then we went into a cathedral. It's Catholic and magnificent, quite different from those in China.
I'm not a Christian, so I walked in largely out of curiosity. The atmosphere there is my favorite, peaceful, quiet. Many people walked in, bending down their knees before getting seated. It must carry some meaning, I think, but I don't know.
Religion always puzzles and inspires me because it is unspeakable and unprovable. People nowadays are too used to proving something by means of some formula, as if everything is just like science. But we all know it's not. I can't understand those Christians like they cannot understand me. I don't understand why there should be so many wars, killings or many other bad things in name of God? How can people on the one hand, talk about peace and love, on the other hand, kill and hate?
In the cathedral there are several sculptures, holy mother, Jesus and some saints. I gazed at them, with some complicated feelings. We all have saints, China and western world. They stand for different morales we treasure, different lives we pursue and all fundamental elements that distinguish we Chinese from westerners. Where on earth these differences come from? Geography? Environment? And why?
I often become a pessimist because I often feel there are too many things we don't and can't understand. So I often come to religion, trying to comfort myself there. But I always failed. It seems that I am looking at it from far far away and it's just impossible for me to figure out what it really is. I tried to prove its existence but was dissatisfied with all the answers.
In the cathedral, I listened holy songs praising God. I'm impressed, yet only impressed. No more. I'm a real Chinese, I decided.
7/15/07

There is a lot of differences between Americans and Chinese. For example, personality. Americans are open, straight forward. Chinese are quite reserved. It is something visible. What is not is culture. In the past, I used to think that the gap is crossable. Yet, when I'm here, with many Americans, listening to them, talking to them, studying with them, looking at natives getting along with non-natives. I kind of doubt myself. Am I really able to tackle this barrel? Am I really happy if I live in countries other than China?
This feeling was extremely strong when in barbecues. We think differently. We hold different values. We have different interests. It's really hard for me to integrate into them, leave alone being one of them.
So I somehow recall those Chinese children in Qing dynasty, who came to America to study. How could they keep their balance? How difficult it was for them to go back and integrate into China, the old, reserved, decaying, yet with glorious history China?

This morning's lecture was really a disaster. It reminded me that everywhere, there were both good teachers and bad teachers, which has nothing to do with how good the university is or whether he/she is a professor.
He talked about American literature, about every trivial things that I even could not remember. I tried my best to concentrate, yet failed. He seemed unprepared, always rambling, having no system, answering something that never matched our questions.
Oops, how could he teach in this university???

I seemed coming here solely for rest. In China, I ran all the time, staying up, studying studying studying. 37 hours a week almost burdened me down. And computer, mobile phone, I used too much of them. I'm confined in a net and exhausted myself. I'm lack of sleep, always. I used to sleep only 5 hours a day for a whole 2 weeks. I know it' wrong, but I just cannot stop.
Here I run away from almost all the communication facilities. Computers, telephones,etc. I sleep
11 hours a day, drinking milk, eating bananas, having lectures. I'm leading a healthy life, a life that should be~
I somehow understand why Chinese philosophers and scholars always talk about family, regarding it the ultimate source of happiness. After tired of competition, struggle, compromise, negotiation, family, symbolizing a complete harmony and peace, points out a totally different way to go to happiness.
I want this kind of happiness~

I took a photo of a squirrel~
I ate convenience noodle ~
I surfed on the net~
I attended lectures~
I got sleepy and headache because of one professor~
I got cured because of another~
I got lost when looking for the swimming pool~
I got caught in a rain~
This is my life here~
Peaceful and boring~

I've got ill since the day we went to virginia beach~ My throat hurts like burning~ I like eating, but can't~
God, is there anything more cruel than separating me from delicious food???!!!
Even worse, I cannot shop or even ramble too long because I cannot be tired. Once I get tired, my throat takes revenge.
Please, please, please let me better off soon:(

After more than a week stay in USA, I feel it's not a place for me.
True, America has advanced technology, an awful amount of different food and other stuffs. It's modern, young, energetic, ect~ But to me, it has no culture at all.
I cannot identify myself if I move to USA. Who am I? Here I cannot trace back to my ancestors long long time ago just in daily life. I cannot feel that I belong to somewhere or something. I could only feel that I'm a lonely individual, that's all~
Maybe I'm not familiar with American culture. Maybe it is just not my cup of tea. I like a place with history, where life slow, peaceful, just as it was hundreds of years ago.
Am I out of date?

I'm shocked to see so many ice cream bars surrounding me when I'm in Virginia Beach.
I'm shocked to see so huge a burrito in a Mexican restaurant.
I'm shocked to see so large a single slice of pizza in ukrop.
I'm shocked to see so low prices for chocolate, ice cream, coca cola, chips, ect.
I'm shocked to see so high prices for water, fruit, vegetables, ect.
After all these shock
I'm not shocked to see most Americans are overweight.

Today I heard that in USA, there was no such rules as prevent juvenile cases from media. In other words, if journalists want, they can expose those teenagers to the public.
I was very surprised to hear that. And even more puzzled about American society. As a society emphasizing so much on children, how could it leave such a loophole, if it is? And as a country so much relying on legal system, how could it leave such an important part to simply people's morality? Isn't it a country believing in the initial evil rather than initial good?
I'm very curious that how Americans keep that balance, the economic driving force and public conscience.

Thoughout these days I've been exposed to a beautiful picture of China again and again, that is, in next 20 and 30 years, China will be a powerful country only next to USA. But I think, as long as China cannot solve its numerous social, political, economical and environmental problems, China cannot walk that far.
Besides, even if China has walked that far, so what?
Nowadays, economically, China regards USA as her goal, money oriented, efficiency oriented. China cares too little about history, culture, environment nowadays. A lot of historical legacies were ruined. Our environment is sacrificed. Our culture, our history is abandoned. Look at what happened in Tai Lake, in Xiamen, I cannot be more than worried.
Politically, I simply have nothing to say.
To me, I prefer European kind of development. People care more about equality, democracy, culture, history, human rights~ I know it maybe a farer way to go, but at least we should go the right direction, shouldn't we?